Asheville Grief Photographer: The Shape of Grief

The Shape of Grief

Grief is infinite.  Grief cannot be confined to a simple set of stages or rules.  Grief is everywhere and looks different for every person.  Grief is shapeless, heartless, hopeful, changing, and healing all at once, but never at the same time.  Grief is an enigma, a paradox. Grief must be entered into and given time and attention to.  Grief is not a passive experience.  Grief is work.

 

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A Story of Grief

It’s weird to wish for your own mother’s death.  To wish that the person who brought you into this world would be gone permanently.  My mother was diagnosed with a glioblastoma brain tumor 5 years ago.  With this type of cancer most people are given 2 years max.  My mom battled as hard as she could for as long as she could.  Her body began declining more and more to where she needed a cane or a walker to get around.  Eventually she was not even able to get around with a walker. 

After a series of broken bones, side effects from the chemo/radiation, her body slowly began to degrade.  Eventually her mind started the same cycle of degradation.  It started with a bit of memory loss here and there and got to the point to where she no longer could remember our names and would fall asleep in the middle of conversations.  She entered Hospice care in April of 2018, right around my 33rd birthday.  This started the grieving process for me all over again.  We grieved her initial diagnosis and then got used to life with my mother in the state she was in.  At least we still had her, and she was still mentally present. 

I’m getting a little ahead of myself.  I need you to know that my mom is an amazing woman, hilarious, supportive, strong, and caring.  She was basically the family glue that always kept the dynamic light and fun.  She was always so good at diffusing tension and saying the right thing when it needed to be said.  She was also willing to change.  She was someone who was willing to admit to being wrong, and one willing to change with the times.  She is one of my favorite people.

A Chance Meeting

So who is the young lady in the photos you ask?  Well, her name is Jessica and she is a model and an amazing human being.  She happened to have her own grief story that I knew nothing about when I approached her with this concept of trying to capture the various stages of grief.  She lost her mother to cancer 7 years ago and felt that this project would be a perfect fit for her.  I didn’t realize how lucky we both were to have found each other. We realized that getting this message out to the world would be paramount to both of our grief journeys.  We found out along the way how important this message was for many others who have dealt with their own grief. Check out Jessica’s Instagram: @themountainmuse to get her full story and to see some images that really resonated with her from the project.

Grief is Like War

Grief is like war.  There are times where you are fighting like hell to survive, warring with yourself. There are times where you will say or do almost anything to stay alive.  There are times of shame and of mourning.  There may even be times of hiding or denying the situation you are in.  But, there are also times of peace, times of hope, and times of rest for the spirit.

What is Grief?

Grief is an ocean. It comes in waves, and it tosses you around from stage to stage without any regard of what you want. What are the 5 stages of grief? Anger, Depression/Sadness, Denial, Bargaining, and Acceptance.  I would argue that there are more than 5 Stages; Guilt, Envy, and Healing come to mind as stages that are not in the Fab Five.  Stages of grief are not a start to finish process where you go from point A to B to C.  The stages are constantly interchanging and feels more like being taken under by a giant wave.  You are struggling for air, and fighting against the current, but everything you do seems to drag you deeper or bring you further into despair…

5 Stages of Grief: Anger

Any anger I have felt along the way has been mostly directed at a God that I thought I knew.  One that was benevolent, or at the very least merciful.  My anger comes from a place of not being able to comprehend the injustice of it all.  Why would such a caring, loving, sweet woman, be afflicted with such an ugly, dark, messy disease?  Why towards the end here has she lost the ability to verbalize how she feels, or to simply say our names?  It’s anything but simple.  I don’t blame God for her affliction, but for allowing it.  For continuing to remain silent while I am begging Him for mercy for my mother.

Anger Is Not Always Obvious

I spent so much energy living a life of bottled up rage that it was difficult to see how anger manifested in my relationships. The thing about grief is you don’t always recognize the emotions you are feeling. Anger seems pretty obvious as we’ve all felt it before, but it’s not as obvious when you don’t deal with the anger. It can attach itself and become a part of you, corrupting all the good in your life because you can’t allow yourself to find contentment. Anger has made me feel stuck.

A Monster Calls

“You be as angry as you need to be,” she said. “Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Not your grandma, not your dad, no one. And if you need to break things, then by God, you break them good and hard.”

-Patrick Ness,  -A Monster Calls

5 Stages of Grief: Depression and Sadness

This one has hit me super hard.  Depression and sadness take on many forms.  Sometimes it comes in the form of tears, or a snotty ugly cry.  Sometimes the depression takes me so deep that I yell out in anger and frustration at how fucked up the situation is.  Sometimes a song or a story will trigger an emotion that I didn’t realize was there.  This is one emotion that people who are grieving should not neglect.  It is one of the harder emotions to deal with because it is the most painful to face.  Anger is a familiar emotion as we have all felt that before, but depression can be something that we constantly wear without realizing it.  It can be somewhat elusive if not addressed head on.  People who are grieving must allow themselves to feel every ounce of pain and sorrow.  It is the only way to move forward. If I’m out in public and I get emotional, I’ve had to force myself to just allow it to happen.  True healing comes from accepting the brokenness, acknowledging it, and then allowing yourself to be changed by it.

Depression Chooses You

Depression is a path that no one chooses. It chooses you. Depression leaves you feeling bare, stripped down, and strangled. As if the rope is tightening, suffocating you, and you are helpless to do anything about it.

Brokenness

Sadness and depression leave you holding the broken pieces of your soul, uncertain about what to do next. Things may look fine on the outside to everyone else, but there is so much junk surrounding you, so much junk within you. You stare at the shadow of the person you were before tragedy struck, unable to recognize that person. That person was carefree and happy. Who is this stranger I am stuck with now? I am lost and broken. The brokenness weighs me down. There is hope because brokenness is often the path to a breakthrough. Brokenness leads to mending, mending leads to change.

Decoding Our Programming

Depression for me has looked like staring off into space a lot more and constantly being in my head. It’s like there is movement all around me, life continues on, but I am stationary. I’m numb and yet I am feeling and thinking more fiercely than ever. I’m stagnant, yet I am working through something far too deep to explain. It is unique to me. The thing about grief is it is uniquely personal in nature. Our brains have trouble decoding the mystery of the unknown, of death, loss, and injustice. It doesn’t quite compute. It’s almost like an unsolvable puzzle. It can leave our programming in stasis, which is why many dwell in depression for a long time by no choice of their own. We need to have grace on others and spread a bit more kindness into the world. We never know what someone is dealing with.

 

The Phone Call

Tragedy typically begins with a phone call.  Whether you are the one calling to report the bad news, or the one on the receiving end, a grief journey almost always begins with a phone call.  None of it is pleasant for the caller or receiver.  It’s a necessary evil.  I used to love phone calls from my mama.  Every time my mom called me she always started by saying, “Hey Roo-kie, It’s yo mama.”  She would always end the call saying, “I love you.”  Do not hesitate to tell the ones you love the most, how you feel about them, you may not have the option one day and it matters a great deal. Don’t miss your opportunity.

 

 

 

5 Stages of Grief: Denial

There is a certain darkness to death, grief, and loss.  I am not trying to paint a pretty picture of it.  Denial is one of the first stages of grief to strike.  Your mind can’t comprehend what is happening in your reality.  Denial is tricky, because no one admits to being in denial.  The state of denial is declaring something to be untrue.  You can’t wrap your head around the circumstances.  Sometimes we hide behind death and don’t allow ourselves to face our deepest darkest fears.  Fear of the unknown, or fear of losing something we once held dear.  We deny ourselves the opportunity to grow and to heal.  Hiding from our emotions, fears, and grief is one of the worst things we can do for ourselves.  TALK ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL AND ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL EVERY BIT OF THE PAIN, THE ANGER, THE JEALOUSY, THE SORROW, AND EVEN THE RESPITE.

Fear and Avoidance

Denial is quite tricky because when one is in a state of denial, by nature, they don’t realize they are in denial.  Denial for me looks like hiding behind a mask, or in the case of these images, hiding behind death and avoiding the pain it may cause. There is a lot of fear that comes with grief.  There is fear of the unknown and not knowing if your pain will ever subside.  Denial can look like an overemphasis on positivity in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.  Or it can simply be hiding behind your insecurities in order to protect yourself from the hurt that other stages of grief may cause.

The Alternate Realities We Create

Denial creates a safe space for us to not have to face our fears head on.  We can play pretend and conjure up our own narrative, our very own manageable reality.  Denial may be helpful in this regard, but denial also hinders the process of healing.  If you have a broken bone, you cannot act like it’s not broken.  If you don’t acknowledge the brokenness and the pain, you will never allow yourself to heal.

My Selfish Denial

Denial grants full permission to hide behind your brokenness.  My mom’s cancer has broken me.  My brokenness has come in witnessing my mom slowly die.  My denial is my reality.  It is more safe.  My denial has come most when I go over to my parents house, Nana and Papa’s.  If I don’t go back to the room where she resides, where she is bed bound with no energy, clinging to what little life she has left, then I don’t have to believe that it is real.  I can remain happy enjoying the company away from her.  This reveals something truly awful about me…My denial has caused me to want to stay away from my mother, to even wish for death to take her.  At this point it would be a mercy.  Denial is currently causing me to miss out on final moments with my mom because it can be too painful to see the state she’s in.  MY DENIAL IS SELF PRESERVATION FROM PAIN.

 

 

 

5 Stages of Grief: Bargaining

You can’t make a deal with DEATH.  No one can bargain with CANCER.  You can try to make a deal with God, but you will sadly find that is not how the Almighty works.  Bargaining is futile.  A bargain implies that there is inherent value for both parties in a trade.  DEATH scoffs at the notion that you have anything to offer.  For me Bargaining has come in navigating other people’s grief, as opposed to negotiating with DEATH, CANCER, or any DIETY.  If a close loved one is stuck in denial or anger, how much are we willing to give up, how much are we willing to sacrifice to allow space and time for their grief journey?

A Constant Bargain

Every day we inch closer to Death.  Every second we are alive, we are one second closer to our inevitable death.  It makes us constantly in a state of Bargaining.  We Bargain with our time, attention, and money.  Grief or no, we all Bargain on a daily basis. It’s just part of the human condition.  When we try not to eat that doughnut or tell ourselves to do that workout even if we don’t want to, that is Bargaining.  The indulgent side of me wants the beer, doughnut, and ALL the cookies, but the healthy smarter side of me has to realize that over indulgence and an excessive lifestyle will not make me healthy for my little girls.

The Numbing Bargain And The Remedy

Every time we pick up our phone to look on Instagram or Facebook, we are Bargaining with our time.  I will give you this much time, phone, if you show me all the likes, distractions, and things that temporarily gratify.  Our phones are probably the single biggest barrier to us seeking real change and healing.  How can you heal, when you are constantly numbing yourself with stimulation, videos, political opinions, and comparisons to others?  Nature has been my refuge.  When I slow down long enough to have some peace and quiet out in nature, that is where I have had to face grief head on, and to do the work that is required of me.

Beauty In The Mess

I’ve asked for mercy from any deity that will listen, mercy for my mother from the pain she is in, release from the state she is in, I’ve been ignored every time.  So I stopped asking.  I’ve sought help from the Almighty, what I have received is silence.  But what if I was to ask to be shown some beauty in all this mess?  What if I was to just get off my knees and go be at my mom’s side?  To read to her, to hold her hand, to just be in her presence.  What if?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5 Stages of Grief: Acceptance

Acceptance is not a destination, it is a wrung on a never ending ladder. Grief doesn’t go away, but we do learn how to better live with the pain and work towards healing. Acceptance comes and goes like the wind. Acceptance does not always look joyful and jubilant. Sometimes acceptance means staring Death in the face and realizing you have a choice. You have the agency to allow yourself to be swallowed up by grief, or to face it head on and to grow from it. Talk about your grief. Whether it was a divorce, losing a job, a death, cancer, a miscarriage, TALK ABOUT IT to people you trust. It’s all grief and it all matters. We must all learn as a society to GRIEVE BOLDLY.  Acceptance does not come through sheer force of will, but through learning how to let go.

Subverted Intentions

I had intended and planned out shots with Jessica up on a mountainside with gorgeous views, her having outstretched arms and just soaking in Mother Earth’s beauty.  I thought this would be a good representation of acceptance.  It is not, at least in my case.  Acceptance for me has come through putting in work, sitting in my grief, seeking it, not running, not hiding.  The photos I had in mind would have been a misrepresentation of what actual acceptance looks like.  The above shot taught me that lesson.  Sometimes we seek to create something and realize that we have to allow room for things to create themselves, and for the art to grow even if we had intended something entirely different.

 

Healing

I think any form of acceptance comes through entering into our brokenness.  Sometimes acceptance looks more like caressing and honoring the broken pieces, realizing that this is what we have left to build from. Perhaps acceptance is the biggest misnomer of them all.  You never truly accept, but more so move towards better understanding and healing.  I think the 5th stage of grief should be called HEALING.  When you heal there is still a scar, a mark, that shows there was a journey through pain and that you made it out the other side, not totally unscathed.  When you break a bone it heals, it doesn’t accept.  When your heart and soul are torn to shreds by death and grief, it needs to heal, not merely accept.

 

 

 

 

 

Ritual

What is Ritual as it relates to grief?  Ritual is a way of marking a death or grief that occurred.  It is a way of saying, this happened, and it mattered, and I want to honor it.  We hold traditional grief Rituals through wakes and funeral services.  These can often times be impersonal or just a focus on celebrating the life of the person.  Ritual is about seeking deep personal connection to the event that happened, and grieving it in your own unique way.  It allows you space and permission to mourn in a way that fits you and helps you to mark the grief.  Some people plant a tree, some burn sage, say a prayer, find healing rocks, some bury something meaningful.  It is entirely up to you, and maybe there is a way to honor the person that you have lost that is unique to that individual.  Whatever you decide to do, Ritual is super important as it relates to dealing with grief.  We have yet to do Ritual for the miscarriage my wife had a few years back.  I think we may try to plant a dogwood tree to honor our lost baby.  We may have a little ceremony and explain what happened to our kids.  We want our children to know that it is important to talk about grief and to enter into it.  We want them to have the tools they need to deal with their own emotions and the grief they will undoubtedly face in their lifetime.

 

What is the Shape of Grief?

The shape of grief is whatever your grief journey looks like.  It is shapeless, but it is all totally formed by how much time you put into your grief.  You can ignore your grief and it will take on the shape of denial.  You can enter your grief and find that anger, depression, and bargaining are all major players in the walk of grief.  Acceptance and healing only come when we have a willingness to enter into and assess our grief.  It is best to not compare our grief with others, but rather to share the grief we are experiencing with those we love and trust.  Talking brings healing because it causes us to face what has happened.  The shape of grief is defined by the individual, it is unique for every person, and the grief is whatever you make it.  Grieve Boldly.